Surgeries

March 28, 2008

Why is it that the surgeries to create a vagina are way more advanced then the ones to create a penis? You know the white male establishment sat around and had a big hard on when they perfected the surgery to create a vagina. Look how good we are, we created pussy. Commend us. Give us your money. We can create women.  But then when a female came around and said she wanted to have sexual reassignment surgery and wanted a penis in place of her vagina. Those same fuckers ran and hid.

OK so that’s a bit of an exaggeration.  I understand it’s much easier to remove then create. But it’s 2008 and we are doing some amazing things in the medical field today. I can’t imagine that since the early 60s when surgeons first started doing SRS surgery until now, nothing more then the few options are available.  It also always seems like a trade off as well. You can trade function for pleasure. Or pleasure for function.  Not both.  Not fair! Transmen already wear their chest scars, couple that with the phalloplasty scars — it just gets crazy.  Genetic engineering, cloning, stem cell research, creating a functioning penis in which you can re-route the urethra and urinate from needs to be on the forefront of medicine in the years to come. Then and only then will I vote to get this surgery.  When the medical mass actually spends research money and energy into creating something as sacred as their mighty penis.

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So I took a lot of hits for both blogging about the annoyance of being called a woman still and about their being no exact indisputable single definition of defines a woman and/or a man.  My point was not to be contradictory or to negate that there are not fundamentally differences between the sexes; I was just merely pointing out how difficult it is to actually come up with a definition and actually not have it negated. Thus bringing to light the reign of transgendered folks like myself. People pushing the boundaries of socially conformed gender roles. Men without penis’s. Women without vaginas. Men injecting testosterone into their bodies, growing facial hair without having testes.  Men having top surgery to appear more male. Of course, we do these things to appear “male”. The male sense, that like it or not society and the world imposes on every human being.  The reason people have to use gender pronouns and address people like “hello ladies” is because it’s settling for them to have easily definable genders they can easily read.  Long hair, boobs, soft skin, make-up. Woman.  Facial hair, flat chest, cock–man.  But what happens when you through someone who doesn’t fit into that box in the mix. Someone who is genderqueer or transgendered? You’re left with the gender guessing game.  Um.. ma’am/sir I …. Or hello ladies, when in fact it’s a guy and a girl. And then you realize you made a mistake and draw attention to the gender mix up that just happened.  Challenging gender challenges society.  If men exist in this world without penis’s then what does make a man a man if it really has nothing to do with his cock?

I think being male is equally parts biological, psychological and sociological and yes there will be exceptions to every rule and nothing can fit into the box (just as my last blog said). But for the most part there are more male characteristics that generally are not associated with being female.  For me, taking testosterone makes me appear more masculine.  I feel like the outer me matches the inner me.  I love the facial hair and the hair in general that is sprouting all over my body.  I also think that men think differently then women. And I have first hand experience on this.  Men are less emotional– testosterone gave me the ability to turn my emotions off which I was never able to do before. Now I’m not saying men aren’t sensitive or capable of emotion, I’m just saying that the biological chemical make-up of testosterone creates less emotional turmoil then that of a person with lots of progesterone and estrogen.  I also have an insatiable urge to sit on the couch with my PBR and scratch my balls more often.  (much to the chagrin of those I hang out with I love me some PBR).  Men are treated differently socially as well. When going to dinner with a woman, the man is often handed the bill from the wait staff. Men are also expected to hold the door for a woman and it would be looked at different if you held that door for a fellow man.  Men don’t talk to each other in restrooms– we just look at the floor.  In the women’s room, it was all chat all the time.  Testosterone makes you horny– lots of women are horny too, but man did I get a boost in this when I initially started T.  Men are biologically stronger. Yes, it’s obvious lots of woman can be stronger then men, but I can lift things with ease now that I struggled with before and I don’t even go to the gym. I even gained 15 pounds of pure muscle wait just from the hormones.

It’s with these and many more countless examples that the real difference between men and women lies. And you can negate and debate every example and say “but woman are the same way” and “that’s not true for all” of course it’s not. But that’s what I’ve experienced in my 4 short months on the other side of the looking glass.

I think the first thing to address with this question is that I never really felt like a woman or a female member of society. Not in comparison to the women that I hang out with and the experiences that they have and their interaction with the world.

And secondly, there is a fundamental issue here that I think I need to address first. For me, there is no straightforward, indisputable, dictionary definition that I can give for what defines someone’s sex as male and what defines someone’s sex as female.  And I think I’m the perfect example of this loop hole.  And I won’t use myself as the default although I could negate everything and say “well i’m a man and I don’t have a penis, testicles or XY DNA, but I’ll take the challenge one step further.

If you were to tell me. Men have penis’s and women have vagina’s.  Well then I’d have to say, what about hermophrodites? Or people born without fully developed sex organs. Do we just leave them out of this? My 1-inch cock may be bigger then some biological men and I’m just a transguy taking hormones.

Well men have testicles and women have ovaries. Therefore, men produce sperm and women do not.  Again– many men have been born with testicles, not to mention the millions of Americans who unfortunately fall victim to cancer.  But nice try it was one of the best attempts I had at answering this.

Men have an XY chromosome and Women have XX chromosomes.  Well, there are many DNA chromosomal abnormalities that plague this world. XXY — Klinefelter Syndrome that affects men leaving them with many medical troubles, lower sperm count, etc.  Or X only females with Turner’s syndrome leaving them with very masculine physiques.

Again, these are just examples of some of the more challenging answers to this question.  You can go on a more simple level and say– men have facial hair and women don’t, but I would then say that the people who own hair removal shops would beg to differ. You can say women have larger breasts and men don’t, but damn, i’ve been extremely upset to find a nice pair on some men.

Women can carry children, Men can not.  Yes, The one difference, barring no chromosomal abnormalities or no hormone induced medical reasons why this cannot happen, between the sexes is the ability to carry a child.  But, many women cannot, and are unfortunately infertile or rely on serious drugs, invitro, etc.  And many couples choose to adopt. So again, not a 100% indisputable definition.

And this brings me back to my initial question– do you miss anything from womanhood. The answer is only the ability to carry a child, if my “female” body could have carried one, which due to an increased testosterone / androgen level innate in my body and my bodies inability to ovulate I could not do anyway.  But I am then forced, like most men in the world, to rely on a women to produce children or the government to grand me permission to foster or adopt a kid– a child who ultimately was born from a woman.

I don’t ever think I fully grasped the concept as female before taking testosterone and was never really viewed as a female.  It made my transition that much easier.

Recently, I’ve been going out to eat more frequently and for some reason I keep getting these ignorant servers that refer to my friend and I as “ladies”.  This is really starting to piss me off. Just when I’m feeling secure in my man hood these people shoot me down and remind me of just how black and white the world sometimes sees things. Is it really as someone put it, the butch women in the world that ruin it for the transmen? The womyn who fought so hard to be identified as touch, butch women and not as the men there were frequently mis-identified as? Well if so then, fuck you. Because I’m not getting the shitty end of that stick. I’m doing my best to pass as a guy. Binding my chest, taking my T and I’m still getting called a lady.  My voice is definitely changing every day, I even have scruffs of facial hair, but the general public is still confused as to what gender they should categorize me in.  And another thing… why even gender specify your introductions. Why not say hello and keep it at that.  Why the gender specific verbiage? Well next time, I’m not going to be so nice. I’m going to tell you how fucking mad this makes me and how not cool with it I am that you are mistaking me for a lady!  I’m an out and proud transman and no one can take that away from me.

thank you to everyone in my life and the rest of the world that correctly identifies and uses male pronouns around me. It’s people like you that make the world go round.

what’s in a name?

March 19, 2008

Oh Shakespeare… for once, you had it all wrong. So much is in a name. Just the other day I had to hand over my credit card to pay for food and it had my female name on it. The woman asked me for ID and I said, it’s in the mail I’m getting it renewed. She turned to my friend and says “Is she who she says she is?”. We both grinned at the irony of that statement.

No of course HE isn’t SHE! And HE isn’t Lauren! Arrest this man, he’s using some other woman’s credit cards– oh the gender game and the name game. How I hate it! Nothing makes me more angry. I can’t wait for the day when EVERYTHING matches my current name and gender. And I’m well on my way. . .

It all started a few years ago when I first started to think about my name, my gender and how people would view me as a boy named Lauren. I knew that if I pursued the transition I would want to change my name. Not that I had any problems with my birth name, I just wanted a name that marked the transition and one that was a bit more masculine. So one day, my love friend Nicole and I were talking names. Her last name is Dillon. So we were laughing and joking on how fun it would be if I changed my name to Dylan and I would then be Dylan Dillon if we got married. The name kind of stuck within close quarters. She started calling me Dylan and a few more friends and then a few more… you get the idea. Dylan also played off of my middle name. And finally my one true love in life Dylan McKay. So Dylan it is– one day I knew that I would want to legally change my name to Dylan.

JUMP to 2/29/08– “D” Day. I stood before a judge in Burbank, CA and petitioned the county of Los Angeles for an official name change. From this point forward I will legally be known as Dylan Loren McGinty. How amazing. It all started as a fun conversation amongst friends and now it was legally binding.

After I left the courthouse, I went to the social security administration and updated my records there without much of a problem. A new card was issued and would arrive in the mail shortly.

Next stop passport. I want to travel to Mexico in a few months and since my old passport was stolen, a new one with my new name is in order. I showed the ladies my name change paper work and my birth certificates and my doctor letter. They were shocked, shocked, why I told them I was born female. What a compliment! They said that 90% of the time the Department of State matches the gender on one’s driver’s license and since my new license will say M– the new passport should say the same. Verdict still out on this one.

Next it was off to the DMV. My doctor wrote a letter explaining to the DMV that was transition was complete. I had all the necessary surgeries to date and that my gender was male. This not only allowed me to have a name change on my driver’s license, but a gender change from F to M as well. It was nerve wracking to say the least! I have never been so scared with my fate in someone’s hands before. In hindsight, I wish I brought someone with me, but maybe it was better to go on this journey alone. I walked up to the woman and asked for a name change and then threw down the gender change form. She looked at me and looked at the form and said “wait here sir”. Good sign right? She took the form to a copy machine (I had already made 2,000 copies but whatever). She came back. I had no idea what she was thinking or if this would work. She approaches again with another employee. She tells me that I have two options. Keep my old driver license number or be issued a new one. Expongement from my old record was all I could think so I opted for the latter. I breathed a bit more easily as she asked for my $22. She then said we needed to take a new picture so that Dylan could be represented. Again a breath of air. She says “You must have been really nervous to do this today. It took guts. Relax, we’re almost done here.” And with that I gave the biggest smile on a government ID anyone will have to date. I was issued my temporary license with Dylan Loren McGinty– gender male. The permanent ID comes in the mail in a few weeks

VICTORY! So what is in a name? This question was asked to me on my official name change documents in court. Reason for name change: This new name matches my identity.

PS: just minutes ago I called my credit card company to alert them of my new name and it went so smoothly. They asked for no documentation.  Wait… maybe that’s  scary!! hehe oh well. . .

under my chin

March 18, 2008

so I wake up this morning and I am alerted to the fact that I have hair under my chin leading down towards my neck.  It’s not growing so intense that I need to proclaim I have a beard or anything. But there are noticeable hairs now and if you pull at them they f-ing hurt! found that out the hard way.  thank you very much.   So does this mean I should shave them off so they grow in thicker and quicker?  Man, I really don’t know how to shave and I don’t want to mess anything up.  This is serious now.  I need some help from my fellow transmen.  Should I shave or should I let it go…

FTM SURVEY QUESTIONS

March 17, 2008

1. Does being an FTM help you understand women better? How and why? or why not? (can be in dating or just in general)

At first I thought this would definitely give me an advantage to dating women since I was born female.  However there is something fundamentally different between the way I lived my life for 25 years and the way the women I date tend to live their lives.  I never dressed as a feminine woman or dated men as a female so there is still a disconnect between that.  I also feel that when starting hormones, I really became attached from my emotions and this put me at an even further disavantage to understanding my female partners, espeically when it came to romantic involvement.

The only slight advantage I did have with understanding women is that occasionally when they complained about their periods or about cramps, I could sort of sympatheize with them. Although now that I’m on “T” and it’s a thing of the past, I’m not really seeing the compassion anymore in my head.  Strange actually.

The one area I still tend to find I understand women the best still is with sex. I still find that transguys make the best lovers because we are still in tune with female anatomy the best because it is the signifier between what we lust after and what we hope to one day remove from our ownselves to make masculine We watch our clitoris turn into a small cock and are happy. This allows us to pay close attention to our sexual partners with increased interest.  The more and more I am on testosterone I realize that females are all beautiful in their own way. Even the more butch of a woman is still a woman to my masculine nature now.

2. In a couple of places it’s been said that FTMs have “the best of both worlds,” in that they have both feminine and masculine traits. What is your response to that statement? Please explain why you agree or disagree.

I would have to disagree. I think that once I started testostorone whether consciously or unconsciously I abandoned most or all of any lingering female traits. I don’t think i had many to begin with but that may just be me.   I think FTMs that straddle the gender lines more then others can be said to live in both worlds. But for me personally I’m extremely masculine and would not appear to many has a best of both worlds scenario.

hobbit feet!

March 14, 2008

so i was looking down at my feet today and noticed I had sprouted hair on the top of my feet! I have the beginnings of hobbit feet. This crazy new discovery is amazing to me. I’ve only been on T for 4 months or so and already the hair growth is outrageous–tops of my thighs, belly, naval area, my back, under my chin and now hobbit feet.  What next??

PhotoShoot- Day1

March 13, 2008

So I tarted hormone injections of testosterone on November 8th, 2007. The picture on the top of my blog is from that day. It was the single most greatest day of my life up until that point. It was almost one of the hardest. I realized at that point once the needle entered my skin that there was no turning back. There was no stopping the transition that was about to come over the next several weeks and inevitably for the rest of my life. Or until I discontinued testosterone injections. So yes, of course I could stop at any time, but once the first one was in, it was like an all powerful drug, something I had been missing my whole life. Why stop the euphoria? This is what I’ve always wanted. The perfect fix. Testosterone. Let the changes begin.

Hello world!

March 13, 2008

Blog Test– test 1 , 2 ; test 1, 2. is this thing on? can you guys hear me?